The stars and planets aligned today, and I found myself in the Apple store with my lovely new wife buying a lovely new iPhone. I’m exhausted from gazing upon the sheer glory of both today, but I promise a full report tomorrow replete with pictures. In a word: believe.

So, if you’ve had the misfortune of spending more than fifteen minutes around me lately my speech has probably sounded like the title of this post. For that, I would like to formally apologize. I had a three hour dream about the iPhone last night, a fact that actually makes me a little worried. It did make me some fried squid, in an apparent homage to the “calamari finder” television commercial.

But seriously, the iPhone fund is open for donations. I think we could make this a really funny internet meme. Like, there’ll be a picture of me looking sort of aloof and it will say, “I can has iphone?” or “My iphone: let me show you it. My iphone.” Then udnerneath a link to paypal where you can send me your dollar. It’ll be great. My poor wife–whom I have driven thoroughly insane with this quest, and who deserves the largest apology–thanks you in advance.

And probably doesn’t think this is funny at all.

I have returned with aching feet from an exploration of Montreal. Oh, and as of 2:15 PM last Saturday, June 23rd I am married. I left my phone charger somewhere above Vermont I think (in case you’ve called and think I’m dead), and our house is full of gifts, the volume and size of which basically demand that we buy a house; our apartment, while spacious, simply can’t hold this much stuff. I’m pushing for that house to be in Canada, now that I’ve witnessed first hand the miracle that is a French-speaking city. I’ve hauled out all my Rush records and insist on greeting everyone here with “bonjour” or “bonsoir”, even though it makes checkout people visibly consternated and perhaps a bit hostile.

Getting married was easier than they tell you. Going on a honeymoon was significantly more difficult. But no matter the level of difficulty of all the background activities the important thing is that for 10 days we were surrounded by friends and family or on vacation, and everyday when I woke up I was face to face with the easiest and number one best decision I’ve ever made. Every American, especially the ones who think we live in the best country ever, needs to visit Canada at least once. Canada is clean, polite, and has its priorities in fucking order. Want to know how many times I read about Paris Hilton in the newspaper or saw her on TV not counting the times I flipped past CNN? Zero. Goose egg. Zilch. It was really nice. Being even a temporary participant in a society like that makes you realize just how much brainwashing we go through on a daily basis in the US, making us the irritable frat boys of the world. Oh well. I’m off the soap crate for now I guess, except to say that flying out of an airport where no one knows that the fuck the “TSA” is is a nice experience.

Security Person: Sir, what are you doing?
Me: (Taking complete contents of bag out–including laptop–and removing shoes and socks.) Getting ready to go through security. Duh.
Security Person: Oh. Well, we can just put your things through this powerful x-ray machine. It seems to work much better than having some asshole getting $6.15 an hour paw through your stuff and treat you like a terrorist just for trying to get to Washington Dulles Airport.
Me: (Weeping.)
Security Person: Sir? Here, let me help you.
Me: (More weeping.)

Later, after I put on a pair of shoes my wife bought for me I found myself stuck with a shoebox and plastic bag. Hopefully, I approached an attendant in the airport terminal and told her about buying the shoes, and not being able to fit the box into the trash. I told her I was hesitant to simply put it next to the trash lest someone think it was a bomb. She laughed kindly. “Oh no, that’s fine. This is Canada. Everything isn’t a bomb here. Are your shoes comfortable? They look very nice.”

In two days, I’ll be getting married. After that, I’ll be in Montreal for our honeymoon–not unable to post, but probably unwilling. I’ve maybe mentioned all of this before, almost certainly if I know you in real life, but I’m extremely excited and nervous. For ten days we’ll be either surrounded by friends and family or on vacation in another country; I happen to think that despite the obvious stresses of planning such a thing that this is a wonderful way to begin a life with another person.

Anyone who has suggestions of things to do while in Montreal or Quebec City who happens across the blogint he next eight days or so should feel welcomed to leave comments on this post. We’d really love to have a few more activities than we need while we’re there. Besides, after watching Sicko Canada seems like a nice place to live permanently.    

 Littlerobothead Video Blog from littlerobothead on Vimeo

This afternoon, Steve will be in ur reality distortin’ ur fieldz. If you think any Mac nerd is going to get any work done you’re sadly mistaken. Watch the madness unfold here. I’ll be updating periodically as well, for those who care.

UPDATE (1:56 PM EST) - Man, this Gizmodo thing blows. I’ve seen it work as it’s supposed to twice in an hour. Leopard is 64-bit clean, though. Sweet.

As we open wedding presents, he scoots around cleaning up all our mess. I swear it’s better than kids.

Our little robot from littlerobothead on Vimeo

When Apple announced the iPhone, lo these many months ago, anyone who cared a whit about consumer electronics was floored. Anytime Apple puts its hand to just about any problem, people get floored. Everyone I knew began to conspire about just how they would get an iPhone into their hands in June. As time stretched on, the hype machine slowed to a crawl; Apple talked about other products, focus shifted, and the iPhone took a backseat to other product news. That hype that had been buzzing in the backs of our heads like too much caffeine was replaced by other things, and the iPhone became old hat. This caused some speculation on my part, having been in marketing and advertising, about just how Apple would restart the hype machine when the need arose. I have to admit I may have underestimated Apple this time around.

I’ve seen the new iPhone commercials. The Church of Jobs is open for business once again.

First of all, few companies could generate this much hype to begin with. Whipping the gadget press into this much of a frenzy, six months before a product launches or even has FCC approval? Pure Apple. I dare say there are some others who could turn on the charm for their device—Nokia, maybe—but Apple is the only one who can restart the machine merely by showing you the product working. That’s it. No tricks. No celebrities dancing with it, or Oprah putting it under your chair. A static tight shot of the device. Doing stuff. And that’s the essence of it right there. Any idea that you want the public to eat up with a spoon needs to be, to some degree, self evident. It needs to elicit the response “I never knew I even needed this until now.” Apple has this ability by the truckload.

I. Create a hammer for a thousand nails

Palm used to have it. The Foleo I wrote about previously is a perfect example of something that we didn’t know we needed, realized. The difference is that the niche is so small, the branding so narrow, that it’s easy to talk yourself out of it. Palm used to have an undeniable product that was small and engaging. In the early days, even 3Com didn’t really have all the answers about what it was for. The marketing materials and box copy hinted at the obvious things, but most of the truly novel ways people used Palm Pilots had nothing to do with their creators and everything to do with an enthusiastic community. This is, to a degree, why non-cellphone technology products with narrowly defined uses don’t go over very well. We want to use our gadgets for things they were never intended for, because it makes us feel connected and involved in the experience even if we can’t code a line. The Foleo, to beat a dead horse, doesn’t allow for that unless you’re willing to mod your kernel to boot from flash memory and risk fragging your new lappy in the process. The iPhone, with the addition of a few indie developers, is the platform of choice for people who want to make their own solution to some problem Apple hasn’t even thought of yet.

II. People don’t really need heroes

The television ads for Windows 95, while expensive, didn’t really put asses in seats as they say on the carny circuit. Most of them, and most PC advertising thereafter, showed incredible feats of world saving prowess; saving your company a gazillion dollars, rescuing world economies, lashing once broken families together again over a broadband line and a webcam. There’s just one problem: people are scared they can’t operate that hero computer. How do I do those things, they wonder, staring in amazement at the latest Vista whizbang tech. I have no idea what I would do in front of that computer. With iPhone, Apple’s new ads suggest, you don’t have to be a hero. You just use a map to find calamari. There is more tech in this Lilliputian phone than your tiny mind can ever comprehend, the iPhone confidently whispers, but all you need to operate your little slice of it is your finger. Sure there’s a god mode on here somewhere, but that’s for your nephew the hacker. For you? We have email. No heroes. No manual. Delicious, calming email.

III. That undefinable quality

After using and loving anything with an Apple logo on it for almost 20 years, I freely admit that part of the charm is something I can’t define. Beyond a certain point, I don’t know why my iPod is better than some Creative Labs chunk of plastic. It’s the sum of the parts, the UI, the finish, the “privilege of ownership.” Whatever it is, people want it. It’s the same reason Target is outselling WalMart. It’s a quality that in many ways outstrips our ability to analyze it. Of course Target is cleaner, brighter, and nicer. But look at the carts: molded handles, big wheels with sealed bearings. Would this ever factor into the business plan of a company whose mission was to beat WalMart? Probably not. And yet here it is. That little change helps you know that not only are you not in Kansas anymore, but Kansas is a greasy spot on the highway compared to here. And going back to Kansas is something you’ll pay a premium not to have to do anymore.

Good products are, less good products do. I want the product that manages to wedge itself into my life in ways that I never thought of, that simply exists in my space with me. I don’t want a product that does lots of things, and explains them all to me in explicit detail in the manual and in three languages. Companies are learning this slowly, with guys like Apple, Dyson and Ikea leading them.

After relative radio silence for a while, Palm has announced its newest device. The Palm Foleo is billed as a “smartphone companion”, and allows users of Palm’s popular Treo devices (and maybe others) to wirelessly sync all the stuff they have on their phones onto something a little easier to type on and read from. The Foleo sports a 10″ LCD, full size QWERTY keyboard and lots of other features for road warriors who do tons of email with a Treo-type device.

And I have to admit: this seems like a really nice sub-notebook for the very narrow demographic its intended for. It’s small, light, and has zero-startup time so you can rapidly check your email in line at the airport or in the back of a taxi and stow it away. However, I think it’s also susceptible to the “but where’s the” treatment from everyone else. I think a smart way to get around that stigma would be to do what Palm will likely do and aim this thing squarely at the same folks who buy Treos—corporate types with a huge need for constant email access.

But with all its neat features, even when aimed precisely at the domain where it might succeed, it reminds me of some other miracle convergence products that came and went with little fanfare—The 3Com Audrey, and to a lesser extent the PowerBook 2400.

When the Powerbook 2400 debuted in 1997, it was the ultimate subnote: fast, full(ish) sized keyboard, 10.4″ display. It was a huge hit in places like Japan where tiny laptops are still all the rage. In the states, however, where laptops of the day came with every option onboard or hot swappable the 2400 suffered and was cancelled a mere 8 months after its release. Something about trading in your peripherals for a tiny footprint, coupled with having to lug around a separate floppy drive and CD-ROM drive (and their attendant custom tether cable) was not so appealing. And I’m not saying that the Foleo is the same; but something about the brains of the computer being attached to your hip while all the display capability is in your briefcase seems a little schizophrenic to me.

The release of the Foleo is not the end of the story though, it’s the beginning. It’s an opportunity for Apple or some crazy Chinese manufacturer to release a tiny, flash based laptop that does everything a MacBook does but with zero startup time and a DVD drive. Slap a $799 price tag on it, take a $50 loss on each unit and you’re good to go. You’ve built a market on subnotes that only bloggers will buy that adds to your coolness factor, and pads your market cap nicely.

When I started blogging almost ten years ago, there were hosted services like LiveJournal and there was Movable Type. MT was the king of the hill as far as features and mindshare went; it found its way into most hosting accounts and it became ubiquitous.

When I moved to Media Temple I did so in part because my account could include, for a paltry $5 extra per month, a Movable Type installation. For several years my sites ran on MT, and I cursed it constantly. Nothing was easy; almost any plugin (if you can call them that) required template edits by hand. Linking templates to files meant static content finding its way into my carefully redesigned pages. When my domains were hacked about three weeks ago, all of these factors compounded to make recovery almost impossible. All my domains, even the minor ones, had been severely compromised and would need endless handwork—even with backups—to work again because of the draconian way you do everything in MT.

Yesterday I started to read a little bit about WordPress, a CMS package that I had been brainwashed to think was “oversimplified” and “childish”. I, after all, was used to having to do sitewide rebuilds after changing errant punctuation with MT. I was a power user! But somewhere I saw a screenshot of nothing more than the WordPress login page. I understood then what I had been missing. WP was to MT what OS X is to Windows Vista. Endless simple customization, powerful editing, no rebuilds, a common-sense template engine. I’ve been all over the system and I’ve not seen a single table yet. WP is semantic, easy and rewarding. MT, on the other hand, was the only piece of software in 14 years of computer use that still made me bang my hands on my desk in frustration.

WordPress has made blogging an immersive experience again, not something I do rarely and with trepidation. Besides, I have to blog just to see the admin interface and all its Ajaxified goodness.

The set up—including creating a user and moving my MT database—took about half an hour thanks to Media Temple’s “One Click Apps”. I’m thinking that even on a non-managed machine this would be a trivial, forty-five minute thing. If you’re languishing in MT hell, or still use Blogger or another managed system I urge you to convert. If you’re half as glad as I am you’ll be dancing in the aisles.